Tuesday, July 22, 2008
It's been more than a month and so much has happened.
I've learnt to pull my friends tighter.
But i've also lost some.
It may all just be me i suppose.
But there's also one person, unredeemable.
I'm sorry man, you taught me many things.
How to decide by myself.
Grow some balls and do it myself.
The unfortunate thing is it took a bad move and its all your fault. It IS all your fault. This whole fiasco was your fault. I understand why you might need to do that, but i can't accept it. Chef Kim is right, ashley was right you're a bad influence. You are. You've taught me many of life's lessons, suck it up and smile your way through. The catch is i hate you. You made me this way. No. That's unfair.
I made myself this way by following your advice.
Another lesson i learnt, make up my own bloody mind.
It wasn't meant to be, it couldn't have been, i know it. But it's still your fault. No i'm not looking for someone to blame. I know it's my choice, but you claimed to know what you were doing and you mindfucked me into doing stupid things. If you knew, You ALWAYS say you know, then you would know it would come to this. I am sick of your stupid mouth and your fucking i know everything attitude. I saw all the signs, you reminded me of someone else, i couldn't stand, the traits were there, fucking hippie, i dont know the value of a dollar, i dont know how to plan, tomorrow will be tomorrow's problem. I hate that. I made use of you, yes i did. I tend to do that it seems. BUT nothing is free. You knew it, you enjoyed seeing it unfurl, you scumbag, IF YOU KNEW everything then you shouldn't have let me do stupid things. It was because of you and your "ideas" she's not talking to me.
Yes, i miss her. I think of everything that's bad i know it won't work.
But everytime i go somewhere i went with her, flashbacks plague me.
Every word she ever said.
Everything we did.
Everything i've done.
Everything to come.
Has been done to give me more time with her.
I'm paying my dues, for that gamble.
That slim chance.
I've paid with my life.
Yes i have, my internship.
My resume will look like shit, nevermind my suffering for 5months. I did it for her.
I'll bounce back, i'll further my studies, nevermind what i've done.
She won't know it i guess, probably never will.
If i ever even talk to her again.
I would, she might not. Even then, it would be weird.
But she's good at hiding awkwardness.
I'm not.
I can't stop thinking of her, still.
No matter how much i lie
No matter how much i try to fill my head
my life
with other stuff, she'll find a way in.
My curse, i guess, i can't even say i love her because i don't know if i do.
Throwing caution to the wind, on a wild notion, just for that chance, that wasn't even good.
I've given my life, in an indirect way, for her.
She's probably been scared.
She doesn't know the full extent of what i've done,
how much i've planned.
How insane i still am.
Maybe its best she doesn't know.
To my man, i'm sorry but i cannot accept your behaviour and it's pissing the hell out of me. I'm so sorry but Fuck you.
To somoene else, if you read this, i am sorry but this is where the facade drops. I am not cool and collected. I am a mess. I don't know if you love(d ) me. It seems that way because you're willing to forgive what i've done. And for that i am grateful. I am sorry i cannot reciprocate no matter how much i've tried. If you want to know why, honestly its that you're too naive. Not in the conventional, i dont know birds and the bees way, but its just something else, i can't explain it in words but i guess if i had to, you lack the complexity i seek. I am sorry i cannot love you. It seems we both can't drop the facade, it was evident throughout dinner that night. It was a nice place, maybe too nice. I couldn't say what i wanted to, and i'm sure you wanted to say somethings too,just that you couldn't and maybe because i was ranting so much. Ha. For what its worth. You were my best friend for a while, but it's just really weird now. Even if we don't admit it. It is. It will never be the same. But we can try. So please, bear with this fucking moron.
To someone else who won't read this, congratulations on that young man. But also watch him, i don't know much about him but i don't think he's anything good and is likely to be immature. I've already imparted dear Barry's advice, don't place so much happiness on relationships. Its all about you. But barry is also an eccentric scary man so take it with a pinch of salt i guess.
I like what butters said in southpark to stan and the goth kids. Guys sure i feel really sad now. But it reminds me i'm alive and i can feel pain. If i feel this sad, it must mean i was really happy a while ago and you must take the ups and downs. And anyway i'd rather be a crying little pussy than a faggy goth kid.
I agree. I didn't shed any tears though. I only shed tears because i thought i would lose my mum. It may have been the collective problems. But that was still the major component that triggered the tears. You might wonder, if you really did love her then why didn't you shed any tears, why were you so impatient? I don't know. I don't know. I blame you. Yes i do my man. It IS your fault, that fool poem yes, i thank you for sitting with me, i apreciate your efforts but at the end of the day, it was stupid, it was you. It wasn't me. She might have given the same response but in a different manner. She might not hate me. She may not be scared. But she made it clear in a very blunt way. I was prepared for the no. The bluntness stung. It hurt more than the message. I cannot live with her upset with me. I must know. I won't know. I hate you.
I wish i could hate her.
i can't, i won't because i understand. Both sides of the story.
I can empathise from both views.
I keep myself happy.
I am the happiest service staff there.
I was the happiest guy today.
I enjoyed work, i really did.
Really i did.
But once i sat down, i thought of her.
It came crashing down.
I miss you.
I miss talking to you.
I miss waiting for you.
I want to tell you i passed the test.
I took it for you.
Yes i did.
Otherwise who gives a shit about driving, i dont. Really i dont.
Who cares about manual? Only because you said it, so i changed over from auto.
I hung onto your every word.
I've scarred myself too deep.
You only hurt and scar as deep as you allow yourself to.
Still i don't want to forget, not you not this.
I hurt to keep you in my mind.
Because i want to.
It's a happy pain.
I remember the good times.
I hurt more.
But i was happy, and i won't forget.
This time it's deep.
Very deep.
I refuse to take the blade out.
I don't want to.
The blade has your likeness carved into it and i wish to stare at it a little longer...
Just a little longer.
And everyday that little longer gets longer.
I miss you.
I've learnt to pull my friends tighter.
But i've also lost some.
It may all just be me i suppose.
But there's also one person, unredeemable.
I'm sorry man, you taught me many things.
How to decide by myself.
Grow some balls and do it myself.
The unfortunate thing is it took a bad move and its all your fault. It IS all your fault. This whole fiasco was your fault. I understand why you might need to do that, but i can't accept it. Chef Kim is right, ashley was right you're a bad influence. You are. You've taught me many of life's lessons, suck it up and smile your way through. The catch is i hate you. You made me this way. No. That's unfair.
I made myself this way by following your advice.
Another lesson i learnt, make up my own bloody mind.
It wasn't meant to be, it couldn't have been, i know it. But it's still your fault. No i'm not looking for someone to blame. I know it's my choice, but you claimed to know what you were doing and you mindfucked me into doing stupid things. If you knew, You ALWAYS say you know, then you would know it would come to this. I am sick of your stupid mouth and your fucking i know everything attitude. I saw all the signs, you reminded me of someone else, i couldn't stand, the traits were there, fucking hippie, i dont know the value of a dollar, i dont know how to plan, tomorrow will be tomorrow's problem. I hate that. I made use of you, yes i did. I tend to do that it seems. BUT nothing is free. You knew it, you enjoyed seeing it unfurl, you scumbag, IF YOU KNEW everything then you shouldn't have let me do stupid things. It was because of you and your "ideas" she's not talking to me.
Yes, i miss her. I think of everything that's bad i know it won't work.
But everytime i go somewhere i went with her, flashbacks plague me.
Every word she ever said.
Everything we did.
Everything i've done.
Everything to come.
Has been done to give me more time with her.
I'm paying my dues, for that gamble.
That slim chance.
I've paid with my life.
Yes i have, my internship.
My resume will look like shit, nevermind my suffering for 5months. I did it for her.
I'll bounce back, i'll further my studies, nevermind what i've done.
She won't know it i guess, probably never will.
If i ever even talk to her again.
I would, she might not. Even then, it would be weird.
But she's good at hiding awkwardness.
I'm not.
I can't stop thinking of her, still.
No matter how much i lie
No matter how much i try to fill my head
my life
with other stuff, she'll find a way in.
My curse, i guess, i can't even say i love her because i don't know if i do.
Throwing caution to the wind, on a wild notion, just for that chance, that wasn't even good.
I've given my life, in an indirect way, for her.
She's probably been scared.
She doesn't know the full extent of what i've done,
how much i've planned.
How insane i still am.
Maybe its best she doesn't know.
To my man, i'm sorry but i cannot accept your behaviour and it's pissing the hell out of me. I'm so sorry but Fuck you.
To somoene else, if you read this, i am sorry but this is where the facade drops. I am not cool and collected. I am a mess. I don't know if you love(d ) me. It seems that way because you're willing to forgive what i've done. And for that i am grateful. I am sorry i cannot reciprocate no matter how much i've tried. If you want to know why, honestly its that you're too naive. Not in the conventional, i dont know birds and the bees way, but its just something else, i can't explain it in words but i guess if i had to, you lack the complexity i seek. I am sorry i cannot love you. It seems we both can't drop the facade, it was evident throughout dinner that night. It was a nice place, maybe too nice. I couldn't say what i wanted to, and i'm sure you wanted to say somethings too,just that you couldn't and maybe because i was ranting so much. Ha. For what its worth. You were my best friend for a while, but it's just really weird now. Even if we don't admit it. It is. It will never be the same. But we can try. So please, bear with this fucking moron.
To someone else who won't read this, congratulations on that young man. But also watch him, i don't know much about him but i don't think he's anything good and is likely to be immature. I've already imparted dear Barry's advice, don't place so much happiness on relationships. Its all about you. But barry is also an eccentric scary man so take it with a pinch of salt i guess.
I like what butters said in southpark to stan and the goth kids. Guys sure i feel really sad now. But it reminds me i'm alive and i can feel pain. If i feel this sad, it must mean i was really happy a while ago and you must take the ups and downs. And anyway i'd rather be a crying little pussy than a faggy goth kid.
I agree. I didn't shed any tears though. I only shed tears because i thought i would lose my mum. It may have been the collective problems. But that was still the major component that triggered the tears. You might wonder, if you really did love her then why didn't you shed any tears, why were you so impatient? I don't know. I don't know. I blame you. Yes i do my man. It IS your fault, that fool poem yes, i thank you for sitting with me, i apreciate your efforts but at the end of the day, it was stupid, it was you. It wasn't me. She might have given the same response but in a different manner. She might not hate me. She may not be scared. But she made it clear in a very blunt way. I was prepared for the no. The bluntness stung. It hurt more than the message. I cannot live with her upset with me. I must know. I won't know. I hate you.
I wish i could hate her.
i can't, i won't because i understand. Both sides of the story.
I can empathise from both views.
I keep myself happy.
I am the happiest service staff there.
I was the happiest guy today.
I enjoyed work, i really did.
Really i did.
But once i sat down, i thought of her.
It came crashing down.
I miss you.
I miss talking to you.
I miss waiting for you.
I want to tell you i passed the test.
I took it for you.
Yes i did.
Otherwise who gives a shit about driving, i dont. Really i dont.
Who cares about manual? Only because you said it, so i changed over from auto.
I hung onto your every word.
I've scarred myself too deep.
You only hurt and scar as deep as you allow yourself to.
Still i don't want to forget, not you not this.
I hurt to keep you in my mind.
Because i want to.
It's a happy pain.
I remember the good times.
I hurt more.
But i was happy, and i won't forget.
This time it's deep.
Very deep.
I refuse to take the blade out.
I don't want to.
The blade has your likeness carved into it and i wish to stare at it a little longer...
Just a little longer.
And everyday that little longer gets longer.
I miss you.
