Saturday, June 02, 2007
Well i guess its looking up a little i guess you're just uncomfortable same as me, but i think all the little details and minor things i pay attention to might have resulted in me reading too much into things. I guess you're just unsure of how to react or is that just me again thinking too much.
Its strange how some things cant be bought and then again how do you really know you wont get a better deal down the road. How do you tell if its just an impulse; a want and not really what you think it is. How something can make your world so beautiful and nothing gets you down, but at the same time, remove that and your world looks like satan came up to heaven and gave you an assraping then dragged your sorry arse back to hell. But do i really need that stress, i dont know really. i just dont know.
What do i gotta do to get you to be comfortable, seriously i dont know either. I think it was fine before i think you're awkward because you found out about it. Fuck you JS fuck you loudmouth sonofabitch. Anyway i guess you know so its wierd, for both of us. But i thought i'd got over this and it was fine but somethings just wont go back the way it was will it?
You seem to be listening but i cant bring myself to look you in the eyes the way its so easy with other people. Why do i react in such a ridiculously dumb fashion Why. Its not like anything actually occured its all what i think happened what i presume you know. I know they say the best way is to confront the person but how can i confront you and straighten it if i dont know what you know much less what i think i know or how i even feel. Is it just me being awkward again or is what i think i sense really you trying to stay away a little.
But you dont seem the type to wierd out easy, hell you listen, i know you listen, you laugh at my jokes but other times why is it so hard to talk to you. Like the barbeque it was just 3 of us but i ended up talking to Stan a lot more than i could have. I know you're more comfortable with Stan , why i dont know but somehow it just seems to be a stab right through.
Then again its for the best, i dont really know how to handle you but it just seems to be such a wierd situation. Every response you give me, hell, for you to even laugh at my jokes that just makes my day and on the same level it breaks down the stoic mask i like to put out there to block it off. When you dont say a thing it makes me feel like an idiot, like i was crass or i did something that didnt amuse you. Hell when you're around it seems what i say and do are purely directed to you just that i face other people, but do you notice if i look at you out of the corner of my eye. Its so wierd its just so wierd. Not that i want anything more than just a casual comfort level anymore. It just makes it so wierd when we're out y'know, though its a little better now cos i realise you listen when i speak, though you dont say much sometimes, it makes me just well _____ when ya laugh or respond. This seems so damn familiar that i wonder if its just me.
I think i need to do something about this or maybe i dont, maybe you need time. Maybe i'll just take it slow, maybe i'll let you warm up, maybe i'll just die and explode because of the somewhat wierdness that i'm experiencing. But i think i'll live ;) I'm just such an analytical fool, notice the anal part of it. Wish i didnt care wish i didnt know, wish i hadnt uttered a word to anyone but then i wouldnt have known you. But maybe that would have been better that fate took its path without my forcing its hand because then you wouldnt know. Would that make it more normal?
You realise and acknowledge my presence at least thats comforting in a sense. Give it time Give it time, I just want it to be a little more normal. Is it the sardonic , dry and somewhat rude brit inspired contempt i pass off as humour ? I dont know, but thats what i enjoy and thats what i do. I hold a lot of people in disdain, i think i'm better than a lot of people, but at the end of the day isnt that just a part of that big old facade i like to put up again. I think i'd better find myself before i find anyone else to confuse.
Yeah i guess i'm just a bundle of nerves and WTF right now. Ah well i'm a selfish bastard , sue me. I'd think i was a nice guy, am i , i dont know , you tell me , but at the end of the day i'm still gonna be a selfish bastard so fuck that i'll still go on doing what i do .
But the annoying niggling feeling is still there. I still cant seem to stop thinking of you.
Its strange how some things cant be bought and then again how do you really know you wont get a better deal down the road. How do you tell if its just an impulse; a want and not really what you think it is. How something can make your world so beautiful and nothing gets you down, but at the same time, remove that and your world looks like satan came up to heaven and gave you an assraping then dragged your sorry arse back to hell. But do i really need that stress, i dont know really. i just dont know.
What do i gotta do to get you to be comfortable, seriously i dont know either. I think it was fine before i think you're awkward because you found out about it. Fuck you JS fuck you loudmouth sonofabitch. Anyway i guess you know so its wierd, for both of us. But i thought i'd got over this and it was fine but somethings just wont go back the way it was will it?
You seem to be listening but i cant bring myself to look you in the eyes the way its so easy with other people. Why do i react in such a ridiculously dumb fashion Why. Its not like anything actually occured its all what i think happened what i presume you know. I know they say the best way is to confront the person but how can i confront you and straighten it if i dont know what you know much less what i think i know or how i even feel. Is it just me being awkward again or is what i think i sense really you trying to stay away a little.
But you dont seem the type to wierd out easy, hell you listen, i know you listen, you laugh at my jokes but other times why is it so hard to talk to you. Like the barbeque it was just 3 of us but i ended up talking to Stan a lot more than i could have. I know you're more comfortable with Stan , why i dont know but somehow it just seems to be a stab right through.
Then again its for the best, i dont really know how to handle you but it just seems to be such a wierd situation. Every response you give me, hell, for you to even laugh at my jokes that just makes my day and on the same level it breaks down the stoic mask i like to put out there to block it off. When you dont say a thing it makes me feel like an idiot, like i was crass or i did something that didnt amuse you. Hell when you're around it seems what i say and do are purely directed to you just that i face other people, but do you notice if i look at you out of the corner of my eye. Its so wierd its just so wierd. Not that i want anything more than just a casual comfort level anymore. It just makes it so wierd when we're out y'know, though its a little better now cos i realise you listen when i speak, though you dont say much sometimes, it makes me just well _____ when ya laugh or respond. This seems so damn familiar that i wonder if its just me.
I think i need to do something about this or maybe i dont, maybe you need time. Maybe i'll just take it slow, maybe i'll let you warm up, maybe i'll just die and explode because of the somewhat wierdness that i'm experiencing. But i think i'll live ;) I'm just such an analytical fool, notice the anal part of it. Wish i didnt care wish i didnt know, wish i hadnt uttered a word to anyone but then i wouldnt have known you. But maybe that would have been better that fate took its path without my forcing its hand because then you wouldnt know. Would that make it more normal?
You realise and acknowledge my presence at least thats comforting in a sense. Give it time Give it time, I just want it to be a little more normal. Is it the sardonic , dry and somewhat rude brit inspired contempt i pass off as humour ? I dont know, but thats what i enjoy and thats what i do. I hold a lot of people in disdain, i think i'm better than a lot of people, but at the end of the day isnt that just a part of that big old facade i like to put up again. I think i'd better find myself before i find anyone else to confuse.
Yeah i guess i'm just a bundle of nerves and WTF right now. Ah well i'm a selfish bastard , sue me. I'd think i was a nice guy, am i , i dont know , you tell me , but at the end of the day i'm still gonna be a selfish bastard so fuck that i'll still go on doing what i do .
But the annoying niggling feeling is still there. I still cant seem to stop thinking of you.
